It was a regular Thursday morning when I awoke to get ready for work. The night before had been a culmination of past company employees congregating with current company employees to commemorate the times shared whilst sitting contently in our 4x4 cubicles. There were shots to be had, laughs shared and of course the rumor mill was whirling with speculation that the company was planning not one, not two, but possibly three more lay offs by the end of the week. As the day progressed, I did what I could to make the best of my time at work. I reached out to analysts and clients, stayed productive and made sure my supervisors knew I was working even though things seemed to have slowed down. I sat confidently in my cubicle that if there were any lay offs, I would not be one of the unfortunate victims of this illustrious economy.
Act 1: Scene 2: The Elimination
My office phone rings at 4:10 p.m. on Thursday January 15, 2009. I see that it is the CFO calling from his office. I pick up the receiver... "Hey Sonny." He replies..."Can I see you for a minute?" and I hang up, head down to the office weary of what seems to lie ahead. It's like being called down to the principal's office in school, or having your parents scream the entirety of your name from downstairs. You know that something grave is about to happen and you walk down the corridor to your impending doom.
I sit down in his office and my managing director Mike is sitting beside him. Both men seem filled with regret and sorrowful. Sonny asks me, "how are you?" to which I reply "A little worried," grinning nervously. He asks me "why?" and I matter-of-factly reply "because I'm sitting here in front of you."
No amount of preparation could have soften the blow that I was about to receive at the tender age of 24. Just as my life seemed to finally gain some composure, the express trains come trekking down the tunnel and side swipes me. Sonny says "I am sorry to tell you, but with everything going with the economy 2009 is going to be a rough year and we have decided to..." WAIT FOR IT ... "eliminate your position."
I was beside myself. I looked at him and Mike and could not even muster up enough anger, frustration, hate, pity or resentment to bring myself to cry in front of them. To perhaps show them how badly they were fucking me over. To let them know that I'm just a 24-year-old kid paying $1,400 in rent to live alone and now.....I'm jobless. But nothing came. I sat there as he explained to me some of the paperwork I could fill out. Beyond that it is all a blur.
Act 1: Scene 3: A Shallow Goodbye
I stood in my cubicle as Mike supervised me. He instructed me to gather my personal belongings and the rest of my stuff would be shipped to me at later date. He felt so badly that he could not bring himself to look at me in the eyes when I went to shake his limp hand. I couldn't even get a firm handshake from the man after working beside him for nearly two years. I looked at him, managed a half sideways smile and the tears finally began to welt in my eyes. I made my way down the long corridor, passing a few managing directors on my way out and it was like every part of me just erupted me as I made my way out the glass doors that had once welcomed me to New York. I couldn't look back.
Act 2: Scene 1 : No Prep Time Required
There isn't much in the way of preparing to get laid off in one of the worst economies of our generation. Had you told me that I would be one of the five people Brainerd elected to "eliminate" from their already dwindling roster of peons, I would have never believed it. I honestly believed that I was one of the employees they were breeding for long-standing commitment to the company. All my supervisors praised me for my work ethic and level of interest. Everything seemed like it was working out perfectly, despite the fact that I wasn't in love with my job. I know now that the decision was not a result of any performance metric, but rather a tactical business strategy for the agency. However, it is hard to justify my departure when those who remain, I know from experience, cannot and will not provide the same quality of work. I truly believe this will become apparent to them and they'll realize quickly the mistake they have made "eliminating" my position.
Act 2: Scene 2: Picking Up Pieces
When you're world seems to be crashing down before your very eyes. When you realize that everything that once felt so concrete has merely turned to rubble-- you have no choice but to pick up the fragments and rebuild your foundation. I immediately came home and reached out to my friends working at other PR firms letting them know the unfortunate news. Luckily, I had prepared my resume in December when I began looking for new opportunities, so I had something to send around. The only thing I knew for certain was that I could not waste any time wallowing in my own self pity. I could not sit back and let the reality of my situation sink in and bring me down. I needed to move forward and figure out what my next step was going to be.
Act 2: Scene 3: Falling Up
I have always believe that the cards in your deck fall as they are meant to fall. That the river will line up in just the right way to give you the upper hand. I am looking at this hurdle as blessing in disguise. Perhaps it is an opportunity for me to pursue the dreams and career that once filled my heart. For so long, I have had the good fortune of having everything in New York be.... comfortable. I secured my job 2 months before graduating undergraduate, I had secured an apartment with Dara before ever having to look for a place, I had my salary increase substantially over the course of my 18 months, I had managed to live alone in one of the best neighborhoods in New York, I was eating at fantastic restaurants, shopping for anything and everything I desired, contributing to my 401(k), establishing a savings account, drinking whenever there was an opportunity to celebrate with friends.... in essence, I was being young and in love with Manhattan.
Act 3: Scene 1: Moving Forward
I have taken the last three days since that fateful afternoon as a vacation of sorts. I have kept my mind busy and avoided the plague that is letting my situation scare me out of possibility. I sometimes like to think of my life as a movie. A movie with a complex, dynamic and flawed character that triumphantly overcomes adversity. It's a coming-of-age story set in Manhattan just when everything in the protagonist's life seems unbreakable. I'm excited, nervous, scared and to some degree still numb to the idea that I do not know where my life will end up. At the same time the uncertainty is serving as motivation toward the pursuit of a more fulfilling career path.
I have become humbled by my current situation. Just like millions of other Americans, and to a greater degree America, I have been forced to reevaluate what is and is not important. Perhaps I have been living outside of my means, perhaps I got so greedy, selfish and wrapped up in the notion that I was entitled to so many things and everything I had was always going to be guaranteed that it was time for the alarm to go off and for me to wake up and come to my senses.
I need to believe that something better lies ahead. I need to know that whatever is in store for me will be worth the sacrifice, intimidation and uncertainty that lies ahead for me. Sure there is no way of knowing this until I have come out on the other side of it all better off than I was before, but I need to believe in my heart that what I am about to embark on is going to be a journey I will only look back upon and be grateful for... no matter where I land.
I am fortunate to have surrounded myself with friends both here in New York and as far as Sydney that support me, care about me and have been there for me. I am lucky to have a family that has assured me that everything will be OK, that I should not worry and that no matter what I am not alone. I have not felt alone.
This is going to be a ride and a part of me is anxious to figure out where it is going to take me. I'll keep you posted, but in interim I am keeping my head up and powering through it. Ultimately, I am the one who decides how my movie ends and we've only just reached the climactic event of this particular scene.
No comments:
Post a Comment