Fool Me Once

It can never feel good to be cheated. Whether it be out of money, opportunity or a relationship. Its the nagging feeling of knowing that you never really had the chance to show your side of the story, give it your best shot or at least stand up and defend yourself. Its the feeling of disallusion, lack of consideration and selfish defiance that leaves you feeling like maybe you brought it on yourself. Maybe you were too naive to think it could never happen to you or perhaps you instigated the situation, but the reality is it doesn't feel good.

Attempting to explain a persons propensity to jip, deceive and undoubtedly disappoint another would be like trying to explain the complexities of life to the impressionable minds of kindergarteners...there's. just. no. easy. way. to. put. it.

In some regard, there is little doubt that we will all feel the uncomfortableness that feeling cheated brings with it. It could be the job promotion you weren't considered for merely because you may have flubbed once or you're still the rookie. There's no question in your mind that you're fully capable of undertaking the day-to-day activities of the position and with a little training a monkey could perform the tasks, but you're overlooked because you're new, young or inexperienced. Somehow in this predicament one's primitiveness leaves you missing out on an opportunity you know you can handle, but won't get a chance.

Then there's the getting cheated out of money scenario, perhaps reflecting society's most unfortunate flaws whereby people take advantage of another's innocence. The spectrum spans from not getting the correct change to dishing out money and not receiving what you had hoped. As is the case with many eBay and Craigslist transactions. Whereby, you're paying for one thing only to come up short or worse. It's happened to a couple of my friends and you hear it on the news all the time. "Man gets camera equipment stolen after answering ad on Craigslist for production services." Or, as was the case with a friend of mine, you purchase a seemingly authentic Tiffany's ring, trusting that the description, packaging, seller rating/reputation and faith in another person won't leave you with a ring that turns lime green and leaves your finger looking like it's in need of amputation. A slight exaggeration, but nevertheless the deception would leave anyone feeling broken, cheated and above all else-- foolish.

Then of course there is the literal interpretation of the word cheated. The one most of us has been familiar with since we began dating in middle school or propped our leg up on the cafeteria table to save a seat for the girl we had a crush on in kindergarten. Its the investment of yourself and quite often your feelings into someone and something. It's the trust you build with a person, be it a friend or partner. It's your history and the future. It's once again putting your faith in the hands of another individual only to have them crumble it up and throw it in your face. My theory is that you don't have to be in an exclusive relationship with an official title (or sadly facebook status) to feel cheated on. My past has certainly proven this to be true. I believe that any investment, commitment, respect, admiration or hint of loyalty you may have with your significant other, friend or relative lends itself to the possibility of having someone feel cheated.

As is the case in any one of these scenarios, the underlying thread is having your confidence and trust in a person being toiled with to only leave you feeling foolish in the end. So, the logical question is how much of this do we bring on ourselves? How much of this frustration and perhaps heartache are we responsible for? Some would argue that you really only bring it on yourself either out of gullibility or oblivion. I say that's just selfish and ignorant. As a person who values his friendships, especially as I've come to grow up more and more, there is no part of me that wants to keep my friends at a comfortable distance out of uncertaintly. Certainly, you'd think that a past riddled with deceit and selfishness would warrant a more cautious approach of maintaining friendships, but in most cases the good has always outweighed the unfortunate. I don't believe you ever really bring it on yourself, however that's not to say one should remain aloof. My belief is that if you draw the lines of distinction, apply the Golden Rule and surround yourself with good people, you can hopefully avert feeling cheated.

So what's one to do when you've let down your guard and you know you've been a good person and friend, only to have people close to you take advantage of that and completely disregard your feelings. Shame on me? or Shame on you? My hope would be that I'd demonstrated my loyalty and respect for them enough that they'd find the same level of respect or more for me. Apparently, my faith in humanity far exceeds those of a few select friends.

Its disheartening, frustrating, disappointing and of course one can't help feel foolish for letting down one's guard and getting sucker punched. Sometimes you have to stick with the morals and paradigm you've worked so hard to create. This may mean being too prideful to hear an explanation or being too stubborn to acknowledge that there are always two sides to a story. But you know, because you've been there before, that you can't go down the same path. You can't afford to miss out another job promotion, get short changed or feel foolish. You learned your lesson, picked up the scraps, rebuilt the foundation and vowed to never let it happen again.

So what do you do when you're faced with a predicament in which you have to put aside your pride and realize that losing a friend could be a whole lot worse than feeling foolish? I wish I had an answer. From the outside looking in, it is easy to dish advice. It seems logical and almost silly to give up on a friendship out of pride, but it never feels good to be cheated.

I think the only thing you can do is hope that those people you call your friends or the person you call your partner, has the same level of respect, dignity and cojones (balls) to be straightforward, honest and above all else sincere with you. Because you know what it's like to feel cheated and you'd never wish it on any one-- certainly not a friend.

captured.

Check your Status

So apparently you reach this age when not only is your family, but your friends begin to press you for the details of your romantic life. Quite frankly I'm a little confused by everyone's rush to have me dating someone as if I'm running out of time. It's as though there's this clock counting down that requires everyones first inquiry to be "So--- are you seeing anyone?" or "How the girls treating ya?" 

I think what makes the situation all the more humorous, to me at least, is that I don't seem to be in any kind of rush. I've never been concerned. I've always had great luck dating, beautiful, smart, creative and wonderful girls. It's never been forced and they've become big parts of my life. Granted I don't speak to any of them anymore, but that's not to say they haven't impacted me. I'm in no rush and I don't have this apparent anxiety that my family and friends seem to have for me to be in a committed relationship. 

It's like everyone seems to think I'm incomplete without a significant other. As if I'm missing my other half. To be honest, I've always been OK with being by myself. I've never felt this urge or necessity to have a girl there to fulfill a void that may otherwise feel empty. I suppose its my independent nature in so much that I'm comfortable being alone. I don't get lonely and I enjoy my privacy. That's not to say I don't enjoy the company of a girlfriend, but I value the time I have to myself and appreciate the serenity I seem to gain from just being able to think and be present. 

Lately, I've felt this pressure to check off some status box that I'm just not ready to check. I know that I haven't met the right person yet, that the timing isn't right and I can't force it. I've never had to force it and I don't feel like I should be forcing it now. What most people don't understand is that I'm OK with myself. I know the kind of guy that I am, and the kind of spouse I'll make. I know the qualities and characteristics that I possess, and I'm not concerned of what I am capable of offering the right girl when she comes along. So why is everyone so keen on getting me linked to someone? 

It's hard not to feel like maybe I'm missing out on my youth, but just even typing and mumbling that makes me feel foolish. What exactly is taking advantage of one's youth? To me, it certainly is not the promiscuous, uninhibited sex my peers seem to be having with people they hardly know. It's not racking up the number of women I sleep with, crossing certain "types" from my list or hooking up with anything that comes along. To some-- that's a life that may very well be fulfilling. It provides them with a relief that they can't find in themselves. They feel this "dry spell" or this "drought" within them that craves anything with a warm body or pulse to fulfill that void that seems to nag at them. To some -- its living carefree. It's taking advantage of their youth and spreading their "love." It's experimenting, it's taking what they can get it and taking one for the team. 

I've never felt as though I've needed to fill that void. To  lower my standards, to disregard my morals and become a selfish guy with no regard for how my actions will affect another person. Again, it stems from the confidence in the fact that the right girl will come along. That when the timing is right, and I am ready it will all just come together. Some may call this a hopeless romantic, but I like to think of it as being realistic. If things were meant to be... they will be, and I feel as though no one knows that better than me. The cards will relentlessly fall where they fall and there's no sorting the deck before hand. 

A part of me wants to scream at every person who asks me where I am in my romantic life...WHY DO YOU CARE?! I suppose its because we've come to accept this natural progression of life whereby we establish our lives, gain a career, fall in love, get married, move to the suburbs and start a family. Well to me "natural" means innate, organic and spontaneous. One could argue that you "have to put yourself out there" or "You have to make an effort" in order for something to come out of it. My questions is... why? Why not let it just happen. Why not let it happen "naturally" where a friendship or some chance encounter flourishes into something spectacular. Why do we fish for this "natural progression" when more often than not we come up short. To me seeking something doesn't feel natural. 

Today, one of my good friends from college and old roommate got engaged to his long time girlfriend. I remember when we first moved in together freshman summer and I never quite understood how he knew she was the one. At the time I felt as though he was wasting his time, wasting his youth being with one girl. If he never experienced anyone else, how did he know that she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? His answer, as cliche as it is, was that he just knew. He didn't need to go out and find out whether or not she was what he wanted. He knew. It felt "natural." 

To some extent we're all looking for that. Maybe it's not to fulfill our other halves, but rather to enhance the half we're already in possession of. Maybe that's why we retain this list of qualities we're looking for in someone. Whatever the reason, there is no doubt that we're all putting ourselves out there to some extent. Afraid of rejection-- yes. Afraid of ending up alone-- perhaps. Afraid that the right person just doesn't exist-- never. 

More than anything, I continue to reassure myself that whatever the "natural progression" of all things involving my romantic life is or will be... it'll happen when the timing is right. Until then it'll just be a world of dodging those dreaded questions about any woman that makes the slightest cameo in my life.