(F)unEmployed

When we were younger, our elders would ask us: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and we'd hopefully, naively and whimsically reply-- "A movie director," "A Doctor," "An Artist," "A lawyer" or some variation of a career that in our young, un-jaded minds seems well within our reach...

One week into my unemployment (to which my friend NS has kindly welcomed me into the (F)unemployment club), I ask myself when did I lose my hopeful, youthful spirit and desire for something that seems well within my reach? I gave up on my dream when I began worrying about controlling my life and attempting to build stability. Fear and uncertainty beat out passion and possibility. My apprehension of falling flat on my face diverted my willingness to even try. I am 24 years old, and I only wish I gave it a try. I think now is my chance to try.

At dinner the other night with DB, she said something that has stuck with me this past weekend. She believes this juncture riddled with challenges and uncertainty will teach me to stop trying to control my life. It was a revelation (and refreshing) to hear. It caused me to stop and think about how methodical and logical I have been about everything in my life. It made me realize that all of my actions have been sequential steps, well thought out and planned to get to..... what? 

I have written before, that half of any adventure is the journey to which brings us to our destination. The past week has brought some clarity amidst all of the confusion. It is beginning to open my eyes more and more to the possibilities that were once so prevalently in front of me. I suppose I can stop trying to control every situation and see where I land. In theory, it is unraveling years of avoiding perhaps my greatest fear... failing. 

I'm not quite sure when we (err I) adopt(ed) this obstructed and constricting mentality. The obvious scapegoat would be to blame society for its perpetual reminder that success comes in material possessions, financial stability, luxury and ultimately the "American dream" of a nuclear family, car and home. I could blame my overachieving peers and their traditionally structured families who are simply following their lineage, adopting the family mantra and doing as their fathers did (maybe I wanted a piece of that...). I could blame my own family for burdening me with the pressure to always be their golden child. The pressure to be the first generation to be stabilized in America and not labor day in and day out for someone else my entire life. I could find a scapegoat, but the reality is... it has always been within my capacity. 

I have realized this past week that when you strip away everything that once seemed so concrete and predictable, and you're left with your hands in the air and the uncertainty of tomorrow, not only do you lose track of what day of the week it is, but you regain your ability to dream of possibility. To many of you this may sound romanticized and impractical, but I have really begun to re-evaluate the importance of living a life that I can really be proud of, a life that is fulfilling and a life that reflects everything I once envisioned for myself. There are many things I feel I should have done differently, but it is not regret. On the contrary, it is serving as inspiration for where I want to go, where I should have gone and where I may end up. 

In just one week, I have learned that my happiness never resided in the abundance and exaggerated "THINGS" my cushy job nourished me with. It doesn't stem from where I can afford to eat, what I can buy, how frequently I can travel or what my rent can be. I believe I will learn that my happiness resides in the nourishment and ultimate fulfillment of my inner most desires. It is about passion and my desire to never grow old and wonder what it "could" have been like, where I "may" have ended up or wishing it had been differently. 

I know that I will look back and be grateful for this experience. I say that and I really believe it. I've said it before, but I'm not sure I ever meant it. JH says these roadblocks are character builders and they have certainly begun to build me in a new way that is affecting me profoundly. 

Tomorrow remains unwritten for me and I have become surprisingly accepting of that uncertainty. I have not forgotten that all that once seemed definitive in my is no longer, but I have somehow grown content with a new found freedom. 

A Movie Script Ending

Act 1: Scene 1: The Prologue

It was a regular Thursday morning when I awoke to get ready for work. The night before had been a culmination of past company employees congregating with current company employees to commemorate the times shared whilst sitting contently in our  4x4 cubicles. There were shots to be had, laughs shared and of course the rumor mill was whirling with speculation that the company was planning not one, not two, but possibly three more lay offs by the end of the week. As the day progressed, I did what I could to make the best of my time at work. I reached out to analysts and clients, stayed productive and made sure my supervisors knew I was working even though things seemed to have slowed down. I sat confidently in my cubicle that if there were any lay offs, I would not be one of the unfortunate victims of this illustrious economy. 

Act 1: Scene 2: The Elimination

My office phone rings at 4:10 p.m. on Thursday January 15, 2009. I see that it is the CFO calling from his office. I pick up the receiver... "Hey Sonny." He replies..."Can I see you for a minute?" and I hang up, head down to the office weary of what seems to lie ahead. It's like being called down to the principal's office in school, or having your parents scream the entirety of your name from downstairs. You know that  something grave is about to happen and you walk down the corridor to your impending doom. 

I sit down in his office and my managing director Mike is sitting beside him. Both men seem filled with regret and sorrowful. Sonny asks me, "how are you?" to which I reply "A little worried," grinning nervously. He asks me "why?" and I matter-of-factly reply "because I'm sitting here in front of you." 

No amount of preparation could have soften the blow that I was about to receive at the tender age of 24. Just as my life seemed to finally gain some composure, the express trains come trekking down the tunnel and side swipes me. Sonny says "I am sorry to tell you, but with everything going with the economy 2009 is going to be a rough year and we have decided to..." WAIT FOR IT ... "eliminate your position." 

I was beside myself. I looked at him and Mike and could not even muster up enough anger, frustration, hate, pity or resentment to bring myself to cry in front of them. To perhaps show them how badly they were fucking me over. To let them know that I'm just a 24-year-old kid paying $1,400 in rent to live alone and now.....I'm jobless. But nothing came. I sat there as he explained to me some of the paperwork I could fill out. Beyond that it is all a blur. 

Act 1: Scene 3: A Shallow Goodbye

I stood in my cubicle as Mike supervised me. He instructed me to gather my personal belongings and the rest of my stuff would be shipped to me at later date. He felt so badly that he could not bring himself to look at me in the eyes when I went to shake his limp hand. I couldn't even get a firm handshake from the man after working beside him for nearly two years. I looked at him, managed a half sideways smile and the tears finally began to welt in my eyes. I made my way down the long corridor, passing a few managing directors on my way out and it was like every part of me just erupted me as I made my way out the glass doors that had once welcomed me to New York. I couldn't look back.

Act 2: Scene 1 : No Prep Time Required

There isn't much in the way of preparing to get laid off in one of the worst economies of our generation. Had you told me that I would be one of the five people Brainerd elected to "eliminate" from their already dwindling roster of peons, I would have never believed it. I honestly believed that I was one of the employees they were breeding for long-standing commitment to the company. All my supervisors praised me for my work ethic and level of interest. Everything seemed like it was working out perfectly, despite the fact that I wasn't in love with my job. I know now that the decision was not a result of any performance metric, but rather a tactical business strategy for the agency. However, it is hard to justify my departure when those who remain, I know from experience, cannot and will not provide the same quality of work. I truly believe this will become apparent to them and they'll realize quickly the mistake they have made "eliminating" my position. 

Act 2: Scene 2: Picking Up Pieces

When you're world seems to be crashing down before your very eyes. When you realize that everything that once felt so concrete has merely turned to rubble-- you have no choice but to pick up the fragments and rebuild your foundation. I immediately came home and reached out to my friends working at other PR firms letting them know the unfortunate news. Luckily, I had prepared my resume in December when I began looking for new opportunities, so I had something to send around. The only thing I knew for certain was that I could not waste any time wallowing in my own self pity. I could not sit back and let the reality of my situation sink in and bring me down. I needed to move forward and figure out what my next step was going to be. 

Act 2: Scene 3: Falling Up

I have always believe that the cards in your deck fall as they are meant to fall. That the river will line up in just the right way to give you the upper hand. I am looking at this hurdle as blessing in disguise. Perhaps it is an opportunity for me to pursue the dreams and career that once filled my heart. For so long, I have had the good fortune of having everything in New York be.... comfortable. I secured my job 2 months before graduating undergraduate, I had secured an apartment with Dara before ever having to look for a place, I had my salary increase substantially over the course of my 18 months, I had managed to live alone in one of the best neighborhoods in New York, I was eating at fantastic restaurants, shopping for anything and everything I desired, contributing to my 401(k), establishing a savings account, drinking whenever there was an opportunity to celebrate with friends....  in essence, I was being young and in love with Manhattan. 

Act 3: Scene 1: Moving Forward

I have taken the last three days since that fateful afternoon as a vacation of sorts. I have kept my mind busy and avoided the plague that is letting my situation scare me out of possibility. I sometimes like to think of my life as a movie. A movie with a complex, dynamic and flawed character that triumphantly overcomes adversity. It's a coming-of-age story set in Manhattan just when everything in the protagonist's life seems unbreakable. I'm excited, nervous, scared and to some degree still numb to the idea that I do not know where my life will end up. At the same time the uncertainty is serving as motivation toward the pursuit of a more fulfilling career path. 

I have become humbled by my current situation. Just like millions of other Americans, and to a greater degree America, I have been forced to reevaluate what is and is not important. Perhaps I have been living outside of my means, perhaps I got so greedy, selfish and wrapped up in the notion that I was entitled to so many things and everything I had was always going to be guaranteed that it was time for the alarm to go off and for me to wake up and come to my senses. 

I need to believe that something better lies ahead. I need to know that whatever is in store for me will be worth the sacrifice, intimidation and uncertainty that lies ahead for me. Sure there is no way of knowing this until I have come out on the other side of it all better off than I was before, but I need to believe in my heart that what I am about to embark on is going to be a journey I will only look back upon and be grateful for... no matter where I land. 

I am fortunate to have surrounded myself with friends both here in New York and as far as Sydney that support me, care about me and have been there for me. I am lucky to have a family that has assured me that everything will be OK, that I should not worry and that no matter what I am not alone. I have not felt alone. 

This is going to be a ride and a part of me is anxious to figure out where it is going to take me. I'll keep you posted, but in interim I am keeping my head up and powering through it. Ultimately, I am the one who decides how my movie ends and we've only just reached the climactic event of this particular scene.