I have celebrated close to 9 months living in New York, and when I talk to friends and family still living in Florida, they never fail to mention how "cool it is to know someone who is actually making it in New York City." And the truth is, I've been thinking alot about my life, about being 23 and living in New York, about being a young professional and undoubtedly what lies ahead. It's like I have this checklist in the back of my head that I'm constantly skimming down making sure that everything I need to get done, gets done before its too late. Now, this may either be a genius tactic for living an enriching life, or the onset of a slow demise when one of those items inevitably goes unchecked. One particular thought has plagued me for sometime and more often then not it is while I'm riding the subway to and from work. It's a 30 minute subway ride with the iPod jamming and a lot of thinking gets done. I'll often notice an older gentleman or an elderly couple sitting contently side-by-side on the train, and I can't help but wonder what I'll be like at 60 or 70 and if I'll look back at 23 and wish that I hadn't been so foolish with my time.
I've spent a lot of energy trying to map out my next move, take the next logical step in what seems like a well thought-out journey that we somehow believe we're in charge of. The truth is, God laughs when you make plans. So...I start thinking about how I couldn't possibly let 23 fly by as quickly as 18 or 21 did. Both are mere blurs and I'm immediately transcended that time when a song pops up on my iPod. How could I not take a second and realize that holy shit...my college years have gone by. That's one phase of my life that I will never get back. It's done and over with. From here on out, I will always refer to those years as "the days when I was in college." To my dismay, I've found myself already beginning stories with a similar sentence structure. I'll see a high school student on the train staring blankly at a trig book, puzzled as all hell about what a hyperbola really means and the anxiety of just having the homework done for the sake of getting by. Did I really sit through that? Did I really suffer through 1st period trig with Mrs. Simmons my senior year of high school nearly 5 years ago? As far as I'm concerned it was barely 3 weeks ago that I pulled into the parking lot as a privileged senior with a parking spot.
I've also been thinking that perhaps all the agonizing that gets done in my head, the second thoughts, the withholding, my reservations about things, the slight insecurities I've somehow haven't overcome.... are all really just a waste of time. A waste of a precious moment of my life that I don't want to look back on at 70 and wish I could do it all over again. One would think this rationale would be enough to jump start you an invigorating journey to self-fulfillment. Engage in things that stimulate your mind, body and soul. Live in the moment, be present and lay it all on the line. Yet, as I've come to learn, self restraint and the feeling of vulnerability are perhaps as big a part of being 23 as the desire to be carefree. Maybe it keeps us balanced. It's the ying to our yang. The devil to our guardian angel.
If you ask me, living in New York is something that I've always wanted to do. Since I was young I could remember always wanting to live here. Well, I'm here. I've been fortunate in the sense that I have accomplished an immense amount of things on that checklist, yet somehow I still feel like I haven't really done much at all relative to the people around me. Again, it comes down to this path that has been so intricately carved out in front of us where we go to school, graduate college, find a job, get in a relationship, get married, have kids....I don't really have to go on because chances are you know what comes next. Its hard to see the value in something when it seems like everyone around you has already done the same or is in the process of achieving the same. That's not to say that I am not grateful for my current state, but sometimes I feel like there has to be something else. Something slowly creeping on my checklist that hasn't been fully inked.
Its funny because as I spend more time working (believe me, my schedule has become brutal) I begin to think more like an adult, or at least I start feeling more like an adult. Its like I'm slowly shaking off this exterior shell of aloof college student and finally accepting that binge drinking on a Tuesday won't really make my work week go by any faster if I did it every week. I'm learning the value of patience, diligence in my work, building meaningful relationships and above all my family. While the all sound obvious when written and even spoken about, I've slowly begun to realize that all these years its always been about me. I've been a rather selfish soul (as a few paragraphs prior clearly depicts) that has really only been focused on where I'M going to land next. More and more, I'm beginning to realize that the only tangible (and not even that much so) thing we have in this world, the only thing that no matter the circumstances we have to truly call ours is our family. The people we use to be ashamed of, embarrassed about and quite frankly shut out of our adolescent/young adult life. How is it that I'm only now having this epiphany?
When I look back at high school and parts of college, its hard not to think about how ridiculous I may have been at certain points. Who wasn't to be honest? And, where have those moments got me today? How did the play into the bigger picture? Was any of it really worth a second though? No. But maybe that's something we generally don't realize until we've experienced it, moved passed it and can truly reflect on it somewhere down the line. I think its what we call maturity. Yet, I can't help but feel that maybe it was just precious time lost.
To end this post on a good note, I want to say that at this very stage of my life. This struggle (journey rather) that I'm seemingly going through-- whether it be financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically-- it's certainly an experience that I am enjoying. I'm taking it stride and perhaps my thoughts are the only things keeping me grounded.
-dru said.
