road rash

i wanted some adventure. i got some adventure. today, on what felt like the first day of spring, i rode a bike. m.m. decided to take the day off given the weather was so nice. we decided to take a bike ride through central park, however to get to central park you must ride the bike to the park first. 

i've ridden bikes before. many. it was the first time i had rode a bike through the busy streets of manhattan, and i have to tell you, it was one of the most thrilling experiences i've had in a long time. the rush of the traffic, mixed with the danger, was exhilarating. 

the type of bike i borrowed m.m. had the kind of pedals you have to wear special 'lock in' shoes, where your shoes are literally snapped into the pedals so as to facilitate pedaling. the true roadsters wear them and they take some getting use to. i learned the hard way. 

snapped into place, the only way to get out is to maneuver your foot side ways and break free. easier said then done when you've never had to wear these particular sneakers or ride with these kind of pedals. so, picture your feet stuck to the pedals of a bike. now picture yourself approaching a red light and slowing down. you lose momentum and normally you'd put your foot down to keep you upright. now imagine that you can't get your foot unlatched from the pedals you're essentially locked into. you're. going. to. fall. over. it's like watching a tree fall in the woods. it's just going to fall over. there's no where for you to go, there's no bracing your fall, and when you feel your body tilting-- you pretty much just have to give into gravity and pray there is something to break your fall. 

my experience was a bit more dangerous. and the more i think about it, the more i realize how severe the situation could have really been. we were riding our bikes up third avenue at approximately 11 a.m. the streets were busy and i was already a little uneasy with the amount of traffic. cycling on the left side of this four lane street, i begin to approach a delivery truck that is double parked. i glance behind to see if the car approaching in the right lane is going to allow me to go around and continue my pace. i hadn't unlocked my feet, so i was strapped in and going no where. the first car goes by not letting me go around the delivery truck. it's fine because i still hadn't slowed down. the second car approaches and it looks like he's not going to let me go around. i panic. i come to a complete stop and BOOM! 

i fall on the side of the car. the car continues to move i scrape along the side of the car, hit the tire with my right arm and fall straight to the floor. now imagine if i had fallen two seconds earlier. i would have been on the floor and unaware if the car would have had enough time to stop. or if the car behind him had seen me hit the car and wouldn't have stopped. just typing this i realize how awfully dangerous the whole situation was. 

of course, my first emotion was embarrassment, then it was fear, but in the middle of the street there's little time to let anything really sink in. i got back on the bike and kept riding. i laughed. assessed the road rash wounds i will undoubtedly have scars from (minor scars) and put aside any anxiety that may have surfaced having to continue my ride along that busy street. because what was I to do? if i wanted to go home, i would have to ride the bike back anyways, and just because you get knocked down doesn't mean you just turn around and give up. 

gladly, i had a good attitude about it because the remainder of the ride, once in the park, was one of the most amazing days i've had in new york to date. the weather was perfect. i reached corners of central park i'd never been. i had a great tour guide in m.m. and i felt awesome coasting through the park, in the cool breeze and going with what came. 

we rode north to the top of the park, over to the west side and down to 72nd street before picking up a hoagie, eating outside in the sun and of course stopping at our favorite bakery Levain for a delicious double chocolate chip cookie. the ride back i insisted we avoid the busy avenue and ride down the west side piers, which is meant for bikers and joggers. the ride was much simpler, however getting across columbus avenue and amsterdam i approached a light and fell again, but this time on a delivery boy. he simply looked at me and said "what the hell is wrong with you?" 

from a far it must have looked like i had never rode a bike in my life. you wouldn't know i was locked into my pedals, you would simply think i was some idiot who'd never rode a bike in his life. you have to laugh because it's funny. and i felt for once that i wasn't taking life so seriously. that i was just letting it go, scratches, bumps, dry blood and all. it felt good. i felt human, no longer numb. 

we rode 10 miles today, and it was perfect. trust me-- i have the scars to prove it. 

find it.

lately i have felt that maybe it's time for me to fuck up. hear me out. i have recently felt like my entire life, i've only done exactly what is expected, that i've simply flowed through the motions to end up just like everybody else-- indebted to a life filled with meaninglessness.

before we can even walk, we're put on this path with the expectations so clearly drawn in the sand for us. it's almost impossible for us to veer off course unless our adolescent hormones get the best of us from the onset and we take the path last traveled.

i have recently felt like i have been living so meticulously and methodically. everything so carefully planned out and purposefully pursued. like it's been about chasing a specific standard in my head and ignoring the process with which i am going through to get there. 

i want to fuck up. it sounds much worse and perhaps chaotic than i really intend it to be, but the reality is i want to just do something without it being so damn organized and controlled. 

my lease is up in june and i've been toying with the idea of just getting on a plane to madrid, spain. no real destination in mind, but simply figuring it all out when i got there. i mean it'd be the first time that i'd actually have to just figure shit out on the spot and cope with what may come my way. there's something so refreshing about that.

i have nothing tying me to new york. i'm single. no kids. no real job. no pets. it's almost like a green light to just get on a plane and get away.

so what do i do? and where is this coming from? maybe i'm just looking for some adventure, maybe i'm contracting a bad case of cabin fever and just need to get away for a while. leave the material world that has sucked me in and i'm finding hard to shake off. i always thought that my life could be fulfilled by luxuries, but its all so fleeting. everything is superficial. it's like a halogram, it's there, but it's not tangible and it's not something you (I) should hold on to. 

sadly, i've been absorbed more and more into that world, and i'm realizing i don't like it. i want more experiences, more stories, anecdotes, memories, adventures, moments in life that i can look back on and appreciate, value and reflect upon. the easiest way to rationalize this thought is that, if there were a fire and all my things were burned and turned to ash, i wouldn't miss any of it. it wouldn't be an ideal situation, but it's all just STUFF. stuff that, when it's gone, i still have my friends, my family and everything that's made me-- dru up to this point. i think that's far more rewarding than any price tag. 

i'm looking for something to stimulate me, inspire me and get me out of this corporate mundane life defined by material possessions. get me out and help me find it. 

Change

If you knew that you would die today,

Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?


How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?


If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?


If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?


How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?


Are you so upright you can't be bent? 
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?


If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?


If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?


If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?

-Tracy Chapman

Skinner Box

On my cab ride up to work today, as the impending snow storm began to fall outside, I began to think about how quickly my "Hell Week" flew by. It got me to think about how our predisposition of any event or moment can often be the worst part or most agonizing aspect -- even when you know what to expect. 

In a New York Times article published December 6, 2008, Dr. Gregory Berns, a neuroeconomist who uses brain-scanning technologies to decode the decision-making systems of the human mind, conducted a study centered on the effects of fear, perpetuated by the current economic environment, on our decision-making. He writes, "...while fear is a deep-seated and adaptive evolutionary drive for self-preservation, it makes it impossible to concentrate on anything but saving our skin by getting out of the [Skinner] box intact." 

Experimental psychologist B.F. Skinner developed the Skinner box in 1950 to test the operant conditioning learning behavior of laboratory animals through their association of flashing lights and levers with either rewards or punishments. At its simplest form, a green light would yield the rat a reward and a red light would yield an electroshock. The animal would quickly learn to associate the green light with good and the red with bad. 

Dr. Berns conducted a similar study with human participants in an MRI. An excerpt from his article follows: 

"We attached electrodes to the tops of [participants] feet. Although not unbearably painful, the shocks were designed to be unpleasant enough that the individual would prefer to avoid them altogether. 

The kicker was that they had to wait for the shocks. Every trial began with a statement of how big the shock would be and how long they would have to wait for it: a range of one to almost 30 seconds. For many people, the wait was worse than the shock. Given a choice, almost everyone preferred to expedite the shock rather than wait for it. Nearly a third feared waiting so much that, when given the chance, they preferred getting a bigger shock right away to waiting for a smaller shock later. It sounds illogical, but fear -- whether of pain or losing a job -- does strange things to decision-making." 

Which is a nice introduction to my inspiration for this entry. Haven't we all, at some point or another, sat with dreaded anticipation of an event or moment and in hindsight realized it was never as bad as we were dreading? 

It is the anticipation of what's to come, you can include the fear of uncertainty in this, that causes us more misery, frustration and stress than the actual act/deed itself. At the onset of this week, I was miserable at the thought of having to work the entire week the 8 hour shifts until 11 p.m., culminating with three graveyard shifts this weekend. I sit here on Sunday night half way through my final shift and feel like it wasn't really all that bad.

Translate this to me losing my job and having to make sacrifices, like this graveyard shift, lack of weekends and sleep deprivation, and somewhere down the line I'll sit and feel "like it wasn't really all that bad." Perhaps anything in hindsight seems OK to us, but with foresight we would be less inclined to make those sacrifices and we'd miss out on some incredible learning experiences. Can we really come to appreciate the green lights/rewards without suffering through the red lights/punishments? What is winning without some sweat? What is triumph without some work? 

I believe that success without adversity lacks challenge, perspective and appreciation.