find it.

lately i have felt that maybe it's time for me to fuck up. hear me out. i have recently felt like my entire life, i've only done exactly what is expected, that i've simply flowed through the motions to end up just like everybody else-- indebted to a life filled with meaninglessness.

before we can even walk, we're put on this path with the expectations so clearly drawn in the sand for us. it's almost impossible for us to veer off course unless our adolescent hormones get the best of us from the onset and we take the path last traveled.

i have recently felt like i have been living so meticulously and methodically. everything so carefully planned out and purposefully pursued. like it's been about chasing a specific standard in my head and ignoring the process with which i am going through to get there. 

i want to fuck up. it sounds much worse and perhaps chaotic than i really intend it to be, but the reality is i want to just do something without it being so damn organized and controlled. 

my lease is up in june and i've been toying with the idea of just getting on a plane to madrid, spain. no real destination in mind, but simply figuring it all out when i got there. i mean it'd be the first time that i'd actually have to just figure shit out on the spot and cope with what may come my way. there's something so refreshing about that.

i have nothing tying me to new york. i'm single. no kids. no real job. no pets. it's almost like a green light to just get on a plane and get away.

so what do i do? and where is this coming from? maybe i'm just looking for some adventure, maybe i'm contracting a bad case of cabin fever and just need to get away for a while. leave the material world that has sucked me in and i'm finding hard to shake off. i always thought that my life could be fulfilled by luxuries, but its all so fleeting. everything is superficial. it's like a halogram, it's there, but it's not tangible and it's not something you (I) should hold on to. 

sadly, i've been absorbed more and more into that world, and i'm realizing i don't like it. i want more experiences, more stories, anecdotes, memories, adventures, moments in life that i can look back on and appreciate, value and reflect upon. the easiest way to rationalize this thought is that, if there were a fire and all my things were burned and turned to ash, i wouldn't miss any of it. it wouldn't be an ideal situation, but it's all just STUFF. stuff that, when it's gone, i still have my friends, my family and everything that's made me-- dru up to this point. i think that's far more rewarding than any price tag. 

i'm looking for something to stimulate me, inspire me and get me out of this corporate mundane life defined by material possessions. get me out and help me find it.