(F)unEmployed

When we were younger, our elders would ask us: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and we'd hopefully, naively and whimsically reply-- "A movie director," "A Doctor," "An Artist," "A lawyer" or some variation of a career that in our young, un-jaded minds seems well within our reach...

One week into my unemployment (to which my friend NS has kindly welcomed me into the (F)unemployment club), I ask myself when did I lose my hopeful, youthful spirit and desire for something that seems well within my reach? I gave up on my dream when I began worrying about controlling my life and attempting to build stability. Fear and uncertainty beat out passion and possibility. My apprehension of falling flat on my face diverted my willingness to even try. I am 24 years old, and I only wish I gave it a try. I think now is my chance to try.

At dinner the other night with DB, she said something that has stuck with me this past weekend. She believes this juncture riddled with challenges and uncertainty will teach me to stop trying to control my life. It was a revelation (and refreshing) to hear. It caused me to stop and think about how methodical and logical I have been about everything in my life. It made me realize that all of my actions have been sequential steps, well thought out and planned to get to..... what? 

I have written before, that half of any adventure is the journey to which brings us to our destination. The past week has brought some clarity amidst all of the confusion. It is beginning to open my eyes more and more to the possibilities that were once so prevalently in front of me. I suppose I can stop trying to control every situation and see where I land. In theory, it is unraveling years of avoiding perhaps my greatest fear... failing. 

I'm not quite sure when we (err I) adopt(ed) this obstructed and constricting mentality. The obvious scapegoat would be to blame society for its perpetual reminder that success comes in material possessions, financial stability, luxury and ultimately the "American dream" of a nuclear family, car and home. I could blame my overachieving peers and their traditionally structured families who are simply following their lineage, adopting the family mantra and doing as their fathers did (maybe I wanted a piece of that...). I could blame my own family for burdening me with the pressure to always be their golden child. The pressure to be the first generation to be stabilized in America and not labor day in and day out for someone else my entire life. I could find a scapegoat, but the reality is... it has always been within my capacity. 

I have realized this past week that when you strip away everything that once seemed so concrete and predictable, and you're left with your hands in the air and the uncertainty of tomorrow, not only do you lose track of what day of the week it is, but you regain your ability to dream of possibility. To many of you this may sound romanticized and impractical, but I have really begun to re-evaluate the importance of living a life that I can really be proud of, a life that is fulfilling and a life that reflects everything I once envisioned for myself. There are many things I feel I should have done differently, but it is not regret. On the contrary, it is serving as inspiration for where I want to go, where I should have gone and where I may end up. 

In just one week, I have learned that my happiness never resided in the abundance and exaggerated "THINGS" my cushy job nourished me with. It doesn't stem from where I can afford to eat, what I can buy, how frequently I can travel or what my rent can be. I believe I will learn that my happiness resides in the nourishment and ultimate fulfillment of my inner most desires. It is about passion and my desire to never grow old and wonder what it "could" have been like, where I "may" have ended up or wishing it had been differently. 

I know that I will look back and be grateful for this experience. I say that and I really believe it. I've said it before, but I'm not sure I ever meant it. JH says these roadblocks are character builders and they have certainly begun to build me in a new way that is affecting me profoundly. 

Tomorrow remains unwritten for me and I have become surprisingly accepting of that uncertainty. I have not forgotten that all that once seemed definitive in my is no longer, but I have somehow grown content with a new found freedom.