I think what makes the situation all the more humorous, to me at least, is that I don't seem to be in any kind of rush. I've never been concerned. I've always had great luck dating, beautiful, smart, creative and wonderful girls. It's never been forced and they've become big parts of my life. Granted I don't speak to any of them anymore, but that's not to say they haven't impacted me. I'm in no rush and I don't have this apparent anxiety that my family and friends seem to have for me to be in a committed relationship.
It's like everyone seems to think I'm incomplete without a significant other. As if I'm missing my other half. To be honest, I've always been OK with being by myself. I've never felt this urge or necessity to have a girl there to fulfill a void that may otherwise feel empty. I suppose its my independent nature in so much that I'm comfortable being alone. I don't get lonely and I enjoy my privacy. That's not to say I don't enjoy the company of a girlfriend, but I value the time I have to myself and appreciate the serenity I seem to gain from just being able to think and be present.
Lately, I've felt this pressure to check off some status box that I'm just not ready to check. I know that I haven't met the right person yet, that the timing isn't right and I can't force it. I've never had to force it and I don't feel like I should be forcing it now. What most people don't understand is that I'm OK with myself. I know the kind of guy that I am, and the kind of spouse I'll make. I know the qualities and characteristics that I possess, and I'm not concerned of what I am capable of offering the right girl when she comes along. So why is everyone so keen on getting me linked to someone?
It's hard not to feel like maybe I'm missing out on my youth, but just even typing and mumbling that makes me feel foolish. What exactly is taking advantage of one's youth? To me, it certainly is not the promiscuous, uninhibited sex my peers seem to be having with people they hardly know. It's not racking up the number of women I sleep with, crossing certain "types" from my list or hooking up with anything that comes along. To some-- that's a life that may very well be fulfilling. It provides them with a relief that they can't find in themselves. They feel this "dry spell" or this "drought" within them that craves anything with a warm body or pulse to fulfill that void that seems to nag at them. To some -- its living carefree. It's taking advantage of their youth and spreading their "love." It's experimenting, it's taking what they can get it and taking one for the team.
I've never felt as though I've needed to fill that void. To lower my standards, to disregard my morals and become a selfish guy with no regard for how my actions will affect another person. Again, it stems from the confidence in the fact that the right girl will come along. That when the timing is right, and I am ready it will all just come together. Some may call this a hopeless romantic, but I like to think of it as being realistic. If things were meant to be... they will be, and I feel as though no one knows that better than me. The cards will relentlessly fall where they fall and there's no sorting the deck before hand.
A part of me wants to scream at every person who asks me where I am in my romantic life...WHY DO YOU CARE?! I suppose its because we've come to accept this natural progression of life whereby we establish our lives, gain a career, fall in love, get married, move to the suburbs and start a family. Well to me "natural" means innate, organic and spontaneous. One could argue that you "have to put yourself out there" or "You have to make an effort" in order for something to come out of it. My questions is... why? Why not let it just happen. Why not let it happen "naturally" where a friendship or some chance encounter flourishes into something spectacular. Why do we fish for this "natural progression" when more often than not we come up short. To me seeking something doesn't feel natural.
Today, one of my good friends from college and old roommate got engaged to his long time girlfriend. I remember when we first moved in together freshman summer and I never quite understood how he knew she was the one. At the time I felt as though he was wasting his time, wasting his youth being with one girl. If he never experienced anyone else, how did he know that she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? His answer, as cliche as it is, was that he just knew. He didn't need to go out and find out whether or not she was what he wanted. He knew. It felt "natural."
To some extent we're all looking for that. Maybe it's not to fulfill our other halves, but rather to enhance the half we're already in possession of. Maybe that's why we retain this list of qualities we're looking for in someone. Whatever the reason, there is no doubt that we're all putting ourselves out there to some extent. Afraid of rejection-- yes. Afraid of ending up alone-- perhaps. Afraid that the right person just doesn't exist-- never.
More than anything, I continue to reassure myself that whatever the "natural progression" of all things involving my romantic life is or will be... it'll happen when the timing is right. Until then it'll just be a world of dodging those dreaded questions about any woman that makes the slightest cameo in my life.
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