Losing My Grip

I feel like I am losing my grip. Like I've lost sight of something that was right in front of me.
The last few weeks, it is like the city has consumed me. I've given into the temptations and chaos that encapsulates New York.

I came here driven and eager to succeed, but it is like I've lost sight of that. I have to step back from the situation. Work on the things that I once found solace in and perhaps just build up the person that I seem to be becoming.

I never wanted New York to change me, but living here the past year and half has most certainly begun molding me differently. Right now it's a toss up as to whether I like it or not and perhaps that's where my discomfort lies. Where I once knew what I wanted so definitively, such as life goes, things have taken their own course. As much as you'd like to think you have control of the reigns, you can only hold on tightly and wade out the course. It's trite, yes, but its perhaps the best characterization of where I stand right now.

Is it the City? Or is it that I'm growing up? Sure, I've been an "adult" since 18, but what if I'm slowly transitioning into how we once looked at our parents? The spitting image of their sacrifice, hard work and endless desire to provide something better. What are we all working toward? It's as though with all the responsibility I've begun taking on as a 23-year-old soon to be 24, I've given up on living now and adopted thinking about surviving later. Retirement? 401K's? Health insurance? High-yield savings accounts? Roth IRAs?

Interestingly enough I revel in my own self-reflecting moments of uncertainty, confusion, anxiety and insecurity. I know I always come out on the other end understanding better what it is that I am after. I know I need those moments to evaluate how far I've steer off course and what it is going to take to get me back. In the process there's always something new to be had...

For now, I seek comfort in iced coffee and good music...